i can't remember the last time i was happy. i am awake at this hour, and i'm trying to recall the last time i was genuinely, balls-to-you happy.
and the thing is, it's unusual enough that i'm not already asleep by now, without pondering over some trivial and petty matter; we have my father to thank for that: mom came back from china last night, but i flat-out refused to go to the airport because her arrival was scheduled for 2340 and going to the airport to receive her would mess up my sleeping pattern. for some reason which remains unknown to me, dad was bent on making sure i be there, so during our routine Sunday Night Barbeque While Mom Is Away, he started drinking.
I KNOW. of all the manipulative
so of course i had to drive the party of three to the airport. but that's not the point. the point is that i got home at 1 am and slept about a full bloody hour later. no wait, that's not the point either- but it explains why i am awake now, angry and fucking annoyed. i don't think rationally when i am in severe need of sleep, which means blogging probably isn't the best idea. but y'know, whatever, motherfuckers.
it was probably in sec4. graduation, or even before that. like sports day. i don't remember feeling particularly ecstatic about graduation. but am almost certain that it couldn't have been later than sec 4, because 2005 was when all my friends left me and i blocked everything out from then till the end of 2006. even when they came back it was different, because you can't expect to remain exactly the same after growing apart in different continents (or in different faculties, for that matter).
and it took a while but it finally occurred to me that although i am so over secondary school, i quite hopelessly miss the clique, my favourite gymnasts, the cheerleading team. and amanda most of all, from before the time she sold out and became a social whore, whereupon i cut her out of my life.
just so we're clear, it takes a lot to recognise that the only reason why someone who has changed is still bound to you is your refusal to let go, because you want the person who was there before not realising she doesn't exist anymore someone is going to take that last line and adopt it as lyrics to an emo pop song but in the end you must, because there is no basis for a friendship if the people in it are more miserable than they are alone. so when you're done living in the past and acknowledge that, you accept that it was fun.
you know, while it lasted.
now move on.
here's to too many absent friends. |