my friends,
if you notice close enough, alot of weird/satrical/funny stuff happen at weddings. Weddings are almost like tasteful pastiches of each other, u'd always find (if u look hard enough) weird parallels.
Was gigging for a wedding a fews days ago. Not that i particularly like gigging for weddings, but being part of the celebration of holy matrimony is poetry isn't it, ya know, watching the 2 sweet things walking down the aisle. At that moment, (forget all those punk-delinquent-dyemyhairpink-getatatooedcircumcision cliches), we all walk into a twilight, if u will, where no one else besides the lovelarks mattered.
well, that and 80 bucks an hour.
but (omg i've read this like 1000 times, i believe i was the first) i digress.
1. the groom always has too much gel/wax/spray/tar
You approach the entrance and stretch out your hand to shake the groom's. he does a lil bow (ya know, u can nv have too much courtesy, it goes a long way, esp if u're gonna sit on cool hard wood for the next hour). U inevitably get a sniff of his hair. GOSH. gatsby galore.
2. they haf some giant projector screen to help people at the back see wads goin on
k. like i said, a lil courtesy goes a long way... but apparently to even those sitting right in front. Everyone, even those in the first row, start looking at the projector screen thingy coz it's a maginified version of everything.. and it doesn't show the groom/bride's asses. stick wif me. U get smth like every1's looking at the top right hand corner as if a flying pig just flown in to bless the couple... gosh2.
3. EVERY1's checkin out the bride. in more ways than u can imagine.
Sorry grooms-to-be out there.. actually every guy, i presume most of you are gonna get married, yes even u mj. (aint mr.supermanactionfigure a cutie), for those of u who are comfortable wif single life for the rest of it, zip up ur pants for god's sake.
The bride usually sports the most showy necklace u've seen. it like they're trying to outdo each other (hehe outdo). K the necklace is stunning. they don't wanna appear showy, so there's always only ONE jewel on the necklace.
Gentleman Guest: (looks at the necklace on the bride's chest) wow, that's really nice..
Groom: ya think so? i got it for her on our third day
Gentleman Guest: oic... r those those real...
Groom: yea, the diamond's from... WAIT A MINUTE there's only one diamond.. WAT THE F...
4. Opportunites
according to my friend, there's always a group of men, who do not know the couple AT ALL attending the reception. He says it's the best time to grab the bride's ass when no one is lookin. "THINK about it", he continues, "it's a woman's most impt day, she wouldn't ruin it by telling any1 about the incident... " i'll nv look at him the same way again.
5. Food Hunters
People who drag their asses to weddings all naturally become incessant eaters. u can almost imagine ANYONE being a binger at weddings. come on, try. Imagine charlotte gorging herself at a wedding... it's like another twilight zone. To hell wif flatulance/obesity/dietry/indietmentatthegym, it's "i do" to every platter at the reception... toddlers are trained by their parents to wraft, gather and destroy.
smth u might overhear at a wedding:
Son: mum... i cant eat anymore.. my stomach... omg... excrutiating plain... oh the throes of opulence...there'e just too much food..
Mother: grandma nears a bath real soon ya know...
gosh.
6. No one wants to listening to the bloody band.
enough said. i get my moolah and i'm off.
Btw, this is a sound clip from my gig at the wedding, horrible quality... just to let ya know i dun sound half as bad live.
Isn't She Lovely - Stevie Wonder wif Lester & Friends
will update once i find a space.
Lester
why,why,why |